DIVNELY RUINED from Diane Alberts COVER REVEAL!

DIVINELY RUINED, from Entangled Publishing and the author who brought you ON ONE CONDITION, is hitting the virtual shelves on Thursday, April 26th, but you can get a sneak peek at the cover and blurb here!

She finally meets a decent man--after she's oath-bound never to touch men again!

Rebecca's life sucked before she became an angel. Crappy apartment, awful jobs, abusive boyfriends--it was no wonder she jumped at the chance to escape it all and become a real live angel. The problem is Rebecca's not very angelic,and she'll have to do more to earn her wings than end her love affair with the word f--er,frick.

Especially when she's assigned to save single father Tony Weis, whose less-than-pure thoughts wreak hell on a telepathic angel's nerves. It's all Rebecca can do to keep her hands off him...but when she loses her memory injuring herself to save Tony's daughter, now it's Tony's turn to be her angel and care for her.But will Tony's devotion tempt her from her angelic path, even if it means being human again?

...To learn more about the author and her other projects, go to: www.dianealberts.com

Review: SHIFT by Kim Curran

Strange Chemistry (an imprint of Angry Robot) is continuing their incredible launch with another great book. I read SHIFT by Kim Curran over three nights, and had a hard time putting it down. It's a sci-fi, mind-bendy head trip that keeps your head spinning and your fingers turning the pages from beginning to end.

From Goodreads:

When your average, 16-year old loser, Scott Tyler, meets the beautiful and mysterious Aubrey Jones, he learns he’s not quite so average after all. He’s a ‘Shifter’. And that means he has the power to undo any decision he’s ever made. At first, he thinks the power to shift is pretty cool. But as his world quickly starts to unravel around him he realises that each time he uses his power, it has consequences; terrible unforeseen consequences. Shifting is going to get him killed. In a world where everything can change with a thought, Scott has to decide where he stands.

The pure concept: if you had the ability to have a do-over for any, and every decision you ever made, would you change anything? is intriguing. 

I've never really gotten the concept of "boy books", but this one could definitely appeal to the male reading audience. It's got action, gore, and all the other things that boys love. But girls will like it too, because it's not all about the action and the gore. It's mind-bending and constantly makes the reader question Scott's reality.

Scott was likable, and the pacing was perfect. Just look at that awesome cover. Yeah - that's pretty much the pacing of the book. 


I give SHIFT 5 stars for keeping me intrigued from beginning to end, and making me cringe and go "eww" more than once. :)

Definitely pick this book up when it comes out in September from Strange Chemistry. You won't be disappointed. 

Book Deal Announcement!

This summer you'll be able to purchase my work in E-book format!

My children's picture book, Sara's Ribbon, will be published by MeeGenius in May. As we get closer to the release date, I'll post again with the links on how to nab your own copy!

If you haven't heard of MeeGenius and you have kids (especially emerging readers), you should totally check them out. They have an amazing selection of enhanced e-books, all at really affordable prices. My kids LOVE their MeeGenius books.

So anyway, that's my big news!

Review: BLACKWOOD by Gwenda Bond

I was privileged to be given the opportunity to read and review BLACKWOOD by Gwenda Bond from Strange Chemistry, the new YA imprint of Angry Robot books. BLACKWOOD is the debut book released by Strange Chemistry, and they are off to an AMAZING start.

From Goodreads:

BLACKWOOD on Goodreads

On Roanoke Island, the legend of the 114 people who mysteriously vanished from the Lost Colony hundreds of years ago is just an outdoor drama for the tourists, a story people tell. But when the island faces the sudden disappearance of 114 people now, an unlikely pair of 17-year-olds may be the only hope of bringing them back.

Miranda, a misfit girl from the island’s most infamous family, and Phillips, an exiled teen criminal who hears the voices of the dead, must dodge everyone from federal agents to long-dead alchemists as they work to uncover the secrets of the new Lost Colony. The one thing they can’t dodge is each other.

Blackwood is a dark, witty coming of age story that combines America’s oldest mystery with a thoroughly contemporary romance.

To be honest, even before I opened BLACKWOOD, I was intrigued by the premise. It was so fresh, so unique that I HAD to get my hands on this book. 

And when I read the first sentence, then first paragraph, I was completely hooked. When I'm hooked, I tend to devour entire books in one sitting. This book was no different. The pace was perfect, keeping me turning the pages, anxious to see what happened next. 

The only thing, and it's minor, that jarred me, was the shift between Miranda and Phillips' point of view. I am unsure if it was just because I was reading on my Kindle, which sometimes creates funky formatting, but there didn't seem to be any indication that the point of view was shifting. The shift jarred me the first few times it happened, but then I got used to it and expected it. Like I said, not sure if it was my format and there IS an indication that I wasn't seeing on my Kindle, but just something to think about as you start reading so that you are prepared for the shifting POV's. 

With that said, I LOVED the dual point of views. I loved Miranda. Same with Phillips. I don't want to get spoilery, so I am not going to talk about plot, but I loved the characters and I love what Gwenda did with them. The pace was perfect and kept me turning the pages frantically from beginning to end. 

Five stars is not enough for this book. I would give it ten if I could. Seriously. It's a brilliant premise, and executed beautifully. (And, I mean, look at that cover, isn't it gorgeous???) When this book comes out in September, if you were intrigued by the book's description, you HAVE to pick it up.

After the Madness Workshop #S-15 Eric Steinberg

#S-15 Eric Steinberg

Maple Street, with its tree-lined sidewalks, well-maintained cottages and honest-to-god gas lit lampposts almost made me want to puke from its cloying charm. And the white branches courtesy of today’s fresh snow fall made it worse.

Liking the voice here. 

Gil tried the front door knob, tried again and then frowned back at me. Broad football shoulders slumping, his breath was visible in cold. “It’s locked.”

“Did you expect us to walk right in?” I arched an eyebrow.

He shrugged. “Pretty much, yeah.”

Much as I hated to admit it, the guy did have a point. You could probably count on one hand the number of houses in town that you wouldn’t be able to open the front door, go right in and make yourself at home. Cedar Knolls from which our esteemed Academy took its name was the kind of quaint western Massachusetts town where everyone knows everyone, being the best good neighbor is a competitive sport, and practically no one locks their doors. Evidently, Jeff was among the few. And it served to make me wonder what else our teacher might be hiding in his small off campus Cape Cod on Maple Street. Jeff had managed to wrangle the posh digs out of the Board of Trustees in exchange for gracing us with his presence. The rest of the senior faculty lived in on-campus apartments. The unfortunate junior teachers had to bunk with us in the dorms, doubling as babysitters.

I love the idea of a male protagonist, and I really liked your voice here. I'm intrigued by the question of whether they are there as guests, or if they are breaking into his house. Either way, I'd keep reading. 

After the Madness Workshop #S-14 RELIC

#S-14 RELIC

I’ve died this way before.

Before I stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, from the burning in the stranger’s eyes, I know he has every intention of killing me.

I wonder, does he see her too?

Her name is Far. All my life, I have been haunted by memories, memories that aren’t mine. I don’t know love or hate. I don’t know magic or destiny. I don’t know what it feels like to die. But they do. There are dozens of them, trapped inside me, or maybe I am trapped inside them.

Far’s memories are the clearest and the most vivid, so close to the surface that I remember the sound of her voice, the deep blue of her eyes, the smells of her world. Her fears and desires intertwine so deeply with my own that sometimes I believe that they are mymemories. That I am Far. That she is me.

Logic berates me that this can’t be true, but the suspicion never fades. I can’t convince myself that I am my own, separate person when one crucial piece of evidence is missing. Far never died. Her life abruptly paused as if she ceased to exist, and I can’t help but think if that had something to do with me.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to recall what it feels like to be stabbed. For once, the memories don’t appear. His footsteps behind me grow louder, and I desperately push myself up though I know I can't escape. My chest smashes back down to the ground, and I gag from the dry dirt on my tongue. With each heartbeat, a new wave of pain crashes over me. I taste metal on my lips.

From the first line, I was hooked. And the first page delivered on the promise that the first line made. I'd absolutely keep reading. 

After the Madness Workshop #S-13 Margay Justice

#S-13 Margay Justice


I always knew my name would get me into trouble one day. I just didn’t think it’d take this long. Maybe I have a slow fuse or a short attention span or something, but, anyway, it finally happened - I snapped. And my name got me in trouble.

Seriously, with a name like Irene Goode, the probability ranked pretty high, if you know what I mean. Well, I guess Irene’s not too bad – unless you’re like a certain someone who shall remain nameless (Bridget Taylor), who once told me, “We had a cow named Irene once. We ate it for dinner.”
But she’s one twisted sister. I mean seriously twisted. Even in grade school. Who’d name something and then eat it? Or even say they did? That’s a demented thing for anyone to say, but really disturbing coming from a seven-year old.
Yeah, so tell me something like that and you make an issue out of the first name. But most of the time, it’s not so bad. Not great. (Like Maxie or Roxie, my idols!) But not bad. Oh, no. The problem is the last name.
Goode.
Do you know how hard it is to live up to a name like that?
I do.
Seriously, how many times can one walk into a room to the sounds of someone saying, “Everyone behave now, the Goode girl’s here,” without losing it a little? I’ve heard that phrase – or some variation of it – since the second day I walked into kindergarten.

I have to say I wasn't hooked by this opening. In order to hook me, something really has to draw me in, make me want to keep reading. But the entire opening page just gives back story as to why the main character was named what she was. The voice is strong, but nothing is happening. I really need something to happen, something to intrigue me, to make me want to turn the page. 

After the Madness Workshop #S-12 STEEL HORIZON

#S-12 STEEL HORIZON

I never knew the world could hold so much silence. It echoed through the hollow malls and empty stores, through highways filled with nothing but the charred shells of abandoned cars.

It whistled through the bones of the dead.  

LOVE LOVE LOVE this opening.

All eyes looked up when the first raindrops fell from the sky. Scrappers feared the rain. It was the only thing that kept us safe. Kept us hidden. But even with the rain pattering down on the steel roof, nobody talked or moved. We were too tired to be thankful from our short moment of safety. We all knew it wouldn’t last.

A shiver ran down my spine as I watched the people around me with their backs hunched and shoulders sagged. Even though their numbers were small, I wasn’t used to being around people. I tried to isolate myself from them, hugging my legs to my chest and keeping myself folded into my corner. 

A man and his young son were nearby and I couldn’t help but stare; he was the youngest person I’d seen in months. 

Brown hair clung to his face, streaked with dirt and tears, but his father still let him press his head against his chest, holding him close. He comforted him and told him everything would be all right. His words were lies, but I could never contradict him. Because deep down, I wanted to hear those things too. I wanted someone to tell me that we were all going to live and actually mean it.

I can not tell you how much I loved this opening page. Personal preference? Maybe. I LOVE anything post-apocalyptic/zombie/etc like this. I would absolutely keep reading. Loved the voice, loved the bleakness of the world. And funny that you opened with the exact thing that draws me to post apocalyptics in the first place: the silence. LOVE this. 

After the Madness Workshop #S-11 DROWNING BAILEY

#S-11 DROWNING BAILEY

Her lips were blue as if the taste of air hadn’t breached them for years. The gray of her skin gleamed with remnants of water seeping from her pores, denying her freedom from the element that stole her life. Her flint black hair rested in a tangled web of dampness, dangling strands around the frame of her vacant white eyes. Their pupils barely visible through the foggy film that layered over their once vibrant color. The liveliness of her face was far beyond damaged from the abrasive trauma of her death, leaving it unrecognizable. She never spoke a word. Not even a whisper of breath escaped her. The Drowning Girl, I called her. 

I love this opening. 

She leered over my bed night after night like a lost soul looking for a sign of life. When I was thirteen, she made her first appearance and I vowed never to sleep alone in my room again. For days, I urged my parents to take me away from the haunting apparition, but they only blamed it on my childish imagination.

Over time, I discovered that she would never appear outside the four walls that made up my bedroom, as if some unseen force forbid her from leaving. Using that fact to my advantage, I persuaded my parents to allow me to sleep in their room. It was the only place I felt absolute and safe. When they finally had enough of my ridiculous accusations, they forced me back into my own bed. I pleaded for every light to remain on from the hallway to my room until I was safely asleep.

I was intrigued by this, and I'd keep reading. My only criticism is why she didn't just sleep on the couch, or pick a different bedroom to sleep in once she figured out that the ghost was contained. This opening also reminds me of the Sixth Sense, and I wonder if agents might think "I've seen this done before" etc. Just a thought.

After the Madness Workshop #S-10 UNYIELDING

#S-10 UNYIELDING

Glass shattered, piercing the silence of night. Gabe leapt from bed in a state of panic and his blankets tackled him to the floor. He wrestled the material in a chaotic display of acrobatics. His hands began to sting from the anxiety, like being jabbed with pins and needles. Not again! 

He stopped and focused, trying to settle his emotions to keep from setting his covers a blaze. The power calmed. 

He broke free from his blankets and sprung up, alert. What was that!?  Gabe stared at his opened door, searching for signs of movement beyond his room. 

The house slept.  Silent.

Good, it was just a dream. 

No sooner had the thought entered his mind, a shadow dashed through his door.  Before his eyes had time to warn his brain of potential danger, she was at his side, arms outstretched.

“Sis,” he said, exhaling a deep breath.  “Why are you out of bed?”  He bent over and picked up the frightened, little girl.

“The noise scared me,” Kyla whimpered, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist and throwing her arms about his neck.

She heard it too!  Hisheart quickened. What should I do?  Did Mom and Dad hear it?    

He attempted to lower the six year old to the ground, but she squeezed tighter, moaning.

Suddenly the house shook, booming as if a rocket had barreled through the living room.  This time there was no mistaking it for a dream. 

A scream shot up the stairs.  Gabe knew instantly who it was.  Mom!

I loved everything about this. I hooked at the first line and sad to get to the end because I don't get to read the rest. Great job.

After the Madness Workshop #S-9 DOLLS

#S-9 DOLLS

All Melissa Susann wanted was to survive her first day.

Nothing else. That was all.

As she walked into the front office and looked at the somewhat worn-out chairs, at the safety posters on the walls, and at the vases of flowers located around the room, she thought: Please, oh, please God, let me survive. I don’t be the hottest, or the prettiest, or the skinniest. I know I will not be any of those things. I just want to make it through without any embarrassments. Please, please, please.

There are some grammatical issues that need to be worked out ex."I don't be the hottest"

A dark-haired woman with black-rimmed glasses sat in a desk to Melissa’s right. She held a beige telephone receiver to her ear with one hand and wrote something down on a yellow, square piece of paper.

There are some grammatical issues that need to be worked out ex."sat IN a desk" 

Melissa approached the desk. Holding to the right strap of her backpack, she took slow, reluctant steps. Sweat coated her hands. She wiped them on her jeans, only to have them moisten up again seconds later.

The woman raised her eyes to Melissa and smiled.

“Hold on a minute, please,” she said.

Melissa nodded.

The sounds of phones ringing, people talking, paper shuffling, and doors closing plagued her ears. The fain scent of eggs and coffee wafted into her nostrils. Sweat prickled at the back of her neck.

The woman placed the phone down. She sighed and attempted a smile. “Yes?”

“Um, I’m new,” Melissa said, her cheeks turning red.

“Your name?”

“Melissa Susann.”

“S-U-S-A-N?”

“But with an extra N at the end."

The woman nodded.

Besides the grammatical issues, I didn't see anything to critique here. I wasn't hooked, unfortunately. There was nothing exciting, or sparkly to hook me. It just felt kind-of boring. The only thing that I get from the first page is that she's the new kid at school and she's nervous. That could be summed up in a sentence or two, leaving the rest of the page to suck me in, make me want to keep reading. Is this really where the story starts?

That said, I'm not really a big fan of contemporary YA, so maybe it's more an issue of personal preference. I'll leave it up to the commenters to tell you what they think. 

After the Madness Workshop #S-8 Samie Leavy

#S-8 Samie Leavy

I push my palms flat against the ground, tug the fresh blades of grass through my fingers and think about the bodies buried beneath me. I know there are over four hundred men, women, and children in the mass grave and I know how they died. Everyone knows.

Love this opening paragraph. 

I live in Vita: A country built above its dead. For miles beneath the concrete slabs of the City there are endless graves. It is our job to burn or bury the bodies, depending on their status or cause of death.

The luminous glow of the dawning sun creeps across the sky as I watch, listening to Clay's rhythmic snoring. Birte doesn't like us to sleep outside, he says children have no business sleeping amongst the dead. I don't understand his reasoning, we live in the cemetery – we are constantly amongst the dead.

I'd come to live with Birte and Clay when I was four, Clay was five. Birte Graves had lived at the cemetery all his life, and had raised his only son there after his wife died in childbirth. His son Lirit Graves, Clay's father, had died the day before I arrived. The day Lirit died, he'd returned to the cemetery, after wandering with those people for three years. His cause of death was never mentioned but there's a rusty stain in the middle of the floor of that looks a lot like a blood stain. It doesn't surprise us Lirit died, that's what happened if you wandered with them.

This one is tough. I was hooked up until this last paragraph where you info dumped all of the mc's backstory. That's where you lost me. But the first three paragraphs were awesome! Can you find a way to give us the mc's back story as to how he/she came to live with Birte a little at a time?

After the Madness Workshop #S-7 Holly Boland

#S-7 Holly Boland

I eyed the couple sitting at the wrought iron table to my left. They were engrossed in conversation with each other, their affection for one another, apparent. The umbrella shading the table wiggled back and forth with the breeze. I could smell the evil in the air, even though everyone else around me was oblivious. It seared through me like a ripple of invisible energy; both dark and familiar.

As a whole, I like this paragraph, however I think it could use some tightening. For example, the fact that they are to the MC's left. Is this detail necessary? Maybe try to combine the first two sentences together to make it more succinct. I am intrigued by her ability to smell evil on the air. 

Then I saw him. His face lined with hard facial features, just as Toni had described. Cobalt blue eyes, with his chin resting on his tattooed forearms. He was ordering food from a roadside stand; his arms perched on the countertop. His black hair shaggy, yet stick straight. He was a little unwavering, with his casual appearance, but he was not as unknowing as the people around him. He could be the one.

"His face lined with hard facial features" doesn't do much for me - what does it mean? Also "He was a little unwavering" another description that I'm not understanding. 

I’ve searched for the one for quite some time now. I looked away in disbelief. He’s smiling; that’s an act of kindness. The first sign of weakness in this world. Kindness. Across the street, hid beneath the shadows of the two large brick buildings, they waited for him. I caught sight of a reflective flicker in the window of the same building. Binoculars. A scope, perhaps. He was surrounded. I had less than a minute, seconds at best, to reach him. I started towards him, when a bright light seared my vision. I saw the explosion, before I heard the thunderous rush. The heat engulfed me, burning the hair off my arms…

There's some tense shifting throughout this first page that leaves me questioning if this project is written in present or past tense. Ex: "I've searched" "He's smiling".


Truth be told, I wasn't hooked by this opening, until you got to the part about people watching him, and the explosion. So much description of what's going on around the guy and what he looks like. And then he's blown up. 

After the Madness Workshop #S-6 YA: PLAYLIST

S-6 YA: PLAYLIST

Kissing Todd started this summer. I’ve known him since we were in diapers. We’ve grown up together in the same building. I’m often 12C’s lone inhabitant since Dad travels too much for his job with the Army Corps of Engineers. Todd’s across the hall in 12B with his mother, Margo. She’s Editor-in-Chief at a small publishing company founded by her parents that’s always in danger of being devoured by larger publishing houses.

This first paragraph feels very choppy and jarring. It also feels like an info dump. You're giving us all the details about the characters without really letting us meet the characters. You're telling us about your characters, rather than showing us.
This summer we volunteered at Safe Haven, a no-kill animal shelter. I’d love to say I’m filled with compassion for all God’s unwanted creatures but I graduate in nine months and community service is required. True to form, I started my hundred hours in June. Todd, always much smarter than me, showed up for his last twenty expertly filling the roles of moral support, comic relief and dog breed expert.

Still info dumping. Show us, don't tell us. 
The Kiss (deserving of a capital ‘K’, it was that good) seemed like an accident. We’d just cleaned our last kennel. The August sun beat down deathly hot, both of us dirty and sweating like pigs, and this complete euphoria overtook me. I grabbed Todd in a big hug like I’ve done a thousand times since we’ve been alive and for some reason, we didn’t break apart so quickly.

Backed by a symphony of barking dogs, we kissed. And kissed some more. Until my lips were raw and my knees like melted butter.

We don’t talk about what made it happen.

We just keep doing it.

I feel like you're starting in the wrong place. (And starting with a flashback is cliche). I think this opening would be stronger if you started out with the kiss scene. The emotions, the feelings, the situation. Make us feel that first kiss with her. THEN bring us forward to where you are now. Intersperse the details of their past rather than throwing it all on the table on the first page. 

That said, your writing is clean and I love your voice once you get to the kiss. But it's the telling vs showing and back story that loses me before you have a chance to hook me with your voice in that scene. 

After the Madness Workshop - #S-5 JENNA'S GHOST

S-5 Jenna's Ghost

When that front door swung open, I felt as though I had been shot in the heart. I may as well have been—I already felt dead. Being rousted from the only home I had ever known still came as a shock to me even though I had been expecting it for months. Throughout the trial of my father, I had been living with my best friend’s family, and I have to admit that I held the tiniest flicker of hope that I could stay there permanently. I was also hoping that dad wouldn’t have to serve time. But he did. Five years for assault. He was taken to jail and in a very real sense, so was I.

Unfortunately, I wasn't grabbed by the first sentence. When in first person, avoid using the word "felt" at all cost. It distances your readers from the character. This first paragraph feels very info-dumpy/back story to me. 

It was the County, in all its wisdom, that decided that it would be better to uproot me yet again to go live with my mother. It didn’t matter that I was nearly seventeen and hadn’t heard from her in over thirteen years. And I know for a fact that it wasn’t mom’s idea that I was there at her doorstep, cradling my sad little garbage bag of ragged possessions in my arms.

Mom stood rigidly at the door, scanning me over as though I were a virus burgeoning in a warm Petri dish. Then she stepped aside, allowing me entry into her house.

After some uncomfortable small talk with my caseworker, I was left alone with my mother, this dour stranger who viewed me more of an interruption than her spawn.

Like the first paragraph, the first page felt very info-dump/backstory to me. I think you could tighten this up by jumping straight to her mom opening the door and her reaction to that. You could intersperse in the little details (like not seeing her mom in 13 years and going to live with her etc) IN the action, instead of piling on all the details of why we should care about her up front.

That said, I love the line about how her mom looked at her. Your voice is shining through there, but it is lost underneath the info dump from before. 

After the Madness Workshop - #S-4 YA Paranormal: FRACTURED RADIANCE

S-4 YA Paranormal: FRACTURED RADIANCE

Love the title.

At least once a week, Melia Hale dreamt about her death.

Interesting opening line. I like it.

The dreams started around her eighth birthday, and she had yet to repeat one. Surrounded by the pyramids, in a thick deciduous forest, or on a Spanish tall ship—the locations varied, but the method stayed the same. Lia died by fire every time. And there was always something familiar about the flames. A feeling of inevitability, tinged with anger, resolve, and helplessness.

Oooh, interesting.
As Lia stood in the dark, cluttered tent at the state fair, she once again felt that sense of destiny. The gypsy held Lia’s hand close to her face, traced the lines in the upturned palm, and closed her bloodshot eyes. Lia wanted to withdraw her hand from the swarthy woman. She hadn’t wanted to come in here. Well, not exactly. Gavin had suggested it, and Lia had agreed with little thought. Now, alone in the patched red tent with this woman who reeked of pipe smoke, she regretted it—despite the pull. She’d always imagined visiting the gypsy at the state fair. The dingy tent stood on the edge of the fairgrounds. It huddled in on itself, afraid to reveal its secrets. Curiosity had pricked Lia’s mind since the first time she’d passed it, eight years ago. She’d envisioned a crystal ball on an ornately carved pedestal table. Not a foldable card table, a stack of dirty laundry in the corner.

The gypsy pushed a strand of matted black hair out of her face and opened her eyes. She smiled, too.

I was hooked. Great voice. Interesting concept. I would read on, hoping that the rest of the book lives up to the promise of the first page. Great job.

After the Madness Workshop - #S-3 YA Historical Fantasy Romance - UNDER THE TREES

S-3 YA Historical Fantasy Romance - UNDER THE TREES

I clung to the saddle as Major tore down the path in front of us. My muscles burned and sweat dripped into my eyes, but I could not let my horse slow down. Not when the heaving sound of his labored breathing tore at my heart. Not when my face and arms stung from low-hanging branches ripping at them. Not even when a monstrous fallen log loomed before us. Leaning forward and ducking low on Major’s neck, I extended the reins. With a grunt, he launched us into the air.

I loved this opening paragraph. Leaves me asking who this person is and what they are running from. Definitely hooked. 

For the barest of moments, time hung suspended, leaving only the soaring.

His hooves slammed back down, but he stumbled on the landing. I pitched forward, nearly flying out of the saddle. I flailed and tried to straighten while my horse regained his footing. My left stirrup dangled uselessly beside my foot, but I pushed Major back into a gallop, even as I struggled to recover my balance. We could not stop. I gripped Major’s sides and clutched handfuls of his black mane as the next bend in the trail swallowed us whole.

Then the path opened up, and I let out the reins. Major shot forward, racing beside the river on our right side. It led all the way through the Golden Woods to Braythel. If I could make it to that kingdom, I might have a chance. Digging in with my heels, I urged Major on. I had to get to Braythel.

Everyone that knows me knows I'm a sucker for fantasy like this. I loved this opening. I have nothing to critique because you did a great job at starting in the action. The writing is clean and the voice is strong. I'd keep reading. Great job. 

After the Madness Workshop - #S-2 YA Sci Fi: Future Shock

#S-2 YA Sci Fi: Future Shock

"They can take our freedom, but they can never have our French fries!"
I'm not usually a fan of opening with dialog, but I love this. 

If there had been a desk in front of her, Grace Harper would have smacked her head against it. Repeatedly. Loving the voice so far. 

The auditorium erupted into cheers, a decidedly uncommon occurrence for Dresden High School's student council candidacy announcements. Usually, students simply said what position they were running for and why people should vote for them, to weak applause or the occasional overzealous "Yeah!" from the stoner kids in the back.

Apparently, all it took was a twinkly-eyed Quarterback running on a French fries platform to get people enthusiastically engaged in student government.

Grace had to use all her strength to unclench her jaw. Her fists, however, she kept balled at her sides, so that she wouldn't try and wring anyone's neck. She wasn't usually this aggressive, really, but there was something about pretty-boy jocks who reduced student government to a popularity contest that irked her.

Said jock extraordinaire, Jake Carlson, gesticulated wildly at the crowd to keep going, and ended his brilliantly puerile campaign speech with, "So if you vote for me, everything will be awesome, and you can have all the French fries you want!"

Head. Desk.

Before she could engage in any more imaginary stress relief, the student council adviser, Ms. Jefferson, nodded at Grace to go up to the podium, despite the fact that the crowd was still whooping, cat-calling and clapping. Jake, for his part, was encouraging them by way of a dramatic reenactment of last week's game-winning catch.

I loved this. Yes, it hooked me, simply because of the voice. Interested to see how this relates to the genre you have listed, since it reads very contemporary. But anyway, yes, I would keep reading.

After the Madness Workshop - #S-1 Ellen Rozek

S1- Ellen Rozek

  An elbow jabbed Naomi Williams squarely in the ribs as she pushed her way into line alongside the other inmates.  Though yard time was almost always uneventful, today some idiot newcomer had thought it would be a good idea to heckle her while she ran sprints up and down the fence.

I'm generally not fond of using the protagonist's full name in anywhere except in dialog. It drags me out of the narrative before you've had a chance to pull me in. Especially not in that crucial first paragraph. Is it important that we know her full name right off? I'm not really grabbed by this. I *want* to be - an inmate as protagonist is interesting, but I'm not quite getting it. Maybe have Naomi reacting to getting jabbed by an elbow, or getting knocked to the ground. Something to show us that something exciting is going to happen. It's reading a little flat as-is

            The other girl smirked at her now, gunning for a fight.  Naomi looked away just long enough to roll her eyes.  It was only a matter of time before the newbie learned she shouldn’t mess with the only convicted murderer in the facility.  Normally Naomi would’ve delayed that particular lesson, but hearing catcalls while exercising in eighty-five degree heat hadn’t exactly improved her mood. 

I think you could bring the first and second paragraphs together and make it more punchy to really draw your reader in. 

            As they marched inside in a straight line, she kept her eyes on newbie’s back. Right before they passed the guards Naomi stepped hard on her heel, sending her stumbling into the girl in front of her.

            The guards were on newbie’s case right away, thinking she’d tried to start something.  When she protested that she’d been tripped, they only bothered her more. Meanwhile, Naomi kept her face blank and her eyes facing forward.  Three years in lockup and she knew exactly how to stay out of trouble—and how to cause a little if necessary without getting caught.  All she wanted was to be left alone, and putting the occasional person in their place was a small price to pay for solitude. 

            By the time they finally shoved the newbie back into line, Naomi almost felt sorry for her.  Almost.

This leaves me wondering why you chose to start your novel here? Is the newbie somehow going to play into the rest of the story? I get you're trying to draw the reader in with the interesting twist that the MC is an inmate convicted of murder. I just wonder if this is really where you want to start the book out? I think with combining the first and second paragraphs and making it more succinct would really help strengthen this opening.

After the Madness Workshop

When reading for our recent PitchMadness, we noticed the entries that didn't make it to the agent match was because the first words weren't hooking us. There wasn't a unique element to pull us in, the setting was right but the action was too familiar, or the story started in the wrong place. So we decided to do another workshop focusing solely on the opening page. 

Brenda Drake, Erica Chapman, and the writers at YAtopia are joining me in critiquing your opening words on their sites this month. 

 YAtopia

Brenda Drake

Erica Chapman

Here how it's going down...

If you want to join in sign up on the linky below. Remember your entry will be placed on our blogs and critiqued not only by us but also by your peers. We're accepting up to 40 60 participants. We'll be critiquing two each per day starting March 26. Depending on the success, we may open another round at a later date. After you sign up on the linky below email your first 250 words of your manuscript (finished or unfinished - any genre) to brendadrakecontests@gmail.com. Again, don't wait. Email your entries right away. 

Only the first 40 60 will make it into the workshop, so hurry and sign-up now!

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Pitch Madness Roundup

Pitch Madness Recap

First off, I want to thank all the agents who made this such a success. There were a few glitches but everyone was so kind and they were fixed quickly. 

John Cusick - Scott Treimel NY
Sarah LaPolla - Curtis Brown
Sara Sciuto - Full Circle Literary
Molly Ker Hawn - The Bent Agency
Lauren Hammond - ADA Management
Judith Engracia - Liza Dawson Assoc.
Carlie Webber - Jane Rotrosen Agency
Louise Fury - L. Perkins Agency
Gordon Warnock - Andrea Hurst literary
Kevan Lyon - Marsal Lyon Literary Agency

The Wild Card Agent: Victoria Marini - Gelfman Schneider Literary Agents

Next, I want to thank Brenda Drake and Cassandra Marshall for co-hosting this awesome contest with me. You both rock!

Then, Erica Chapman for reading through the first round of slush with Brenda, and sometimes again when we just couldn't decide on our reads.

Finally, to all the 198 participants who put themselves out there. It was so hard to choose the best entries for the contest. There were some entries I said yes to that didn't make it. A lot made it to the contenders round. If you didn't get to the match round or didn't get a request, please remember that reading is subjective. You just have to find that person who falls in love with your manuscript. There was an entry that I was stoked about and absolutely loved that didn't get a request. And then there was one that I pulled out of the trash because I really liked it, and it got tons of requests. So you see, it's just a luck game sometimes. Keep writing. Keep querying. And keep playing the game.

And the winning hands ...

S-1 Middle-Grade Fantasy: EMBER Winner: @johnmcusick with 2 pair! (query+25 pgs)

S-2 Middle-Grade Magical Realism: THE MISFORTUNE OF THE EMERALD THIEF Winner: @johnmcusick with 2 pair! (Query+25 pgs)

S-3 YA Contemporary: A GIRL NAMED JACK Winner:@NovelistLauren with a Flush! (Query+100 pgs)

S-4 YA Contemporary: OLIVIA TWISTED Winner: @johnmcusickwith a straight flush (trumps all partial requests)

S-5 YA Urban Fantasy: AN UNCOMMON BLUE Winner:@sarasciuto with a Straight Flush (trumps all partial requests).

S-6 YA Science Fiction : AWAKENING Winner: @LitAgentMariniwith a 4 of a kind (query+ 150 pgs)

S-7 YA Contemporary: RECLAIMED Winner: @johnmcusick beats@gordonwarnock's flush with 4 of a kind (query+150pgs)

S-8 YA Fantasy : THE HOURGLASS BRIDGE Winner: @louisefurywith 2 pair (query+25 pgs)

S-9 YA Science Fiction: ONE Winner: @LouiseFury with a Flush (query+100 pgs)

S-10 YA Suspense: INFLUENCE OF THE AIR Winner: @sarasciuto with a Full House (Full request).

S-11: MG: Figment is @mollykh with 4 of a Kind (query+150) (After a challenge with John Cusick!)

#S-12 YA Sci-Fi: THE WILD - Winner of the hand: @LitagentMarini with a Full House (Full request) (Due to error in scoring, Victoria Marini, Sara Sicuto and Louise Fury will all receive their requests for the Wild.)

S-13 Upper Middle-Grade Contemporary : SUMMER SPELL Winner:@louisefury with 4 of a Kind (query+150 pgs)

S-14 YA Urban Fantasy: MORNING STAR Winner: @johnmcusickwith a high card (query + 5pgs)

S-15 YA Contemporary Fantasy : HELLFIRE Winner:@sarahlapolla with a straight! (Query+75 pgs)

#S-16 YA Fantasy : MONSTROUS Winner: @SaraSicuto with a Royal Flush (Full request)

#S-17 YA Fantasy : THE SKY THRONE Winner: @sarasciuto with a Full House (Full request)

#S-18 YA Urban Fantasy with Romantic Elements : THE ALTERAE Winner: @sarasciuto with a straight (query+75)

#S-19 YA Contemporary : FROSTY @gordonwarnock beat out @johnmcusick for the challenge round!

#S-20 YA Fantasy : DAEMERKIN Winner of the hand:@johnmcusick with 2 pair (query+25pgs)

 

Until next time ... that's it!